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SATIRE:
Attorney General Denounces Numbers Among Us The Justice Department today ordered the detention of all numbers between "1" and "9" for questioning, because they are of Arab origin. Attorney General Kiss-My-Ashcroft explained the urgent nature of these actions. "There isn't a home or business in the United States today that hasn't been infiltrated by Arabic Numerals. These seemingly innocent numbers among us may contain coded terrorist instructions. We recommend all Americans to use Roman Numerals at once." Immediate opposition to his announcement came from Wall Street and Silicon Valley. Spokespersons explained that it would be virtually impossible to convert the stock exchanges, banking and computer languages to Roman Numerals. Kiss-My Ashcroft responded swiftly to their opposition. "The country will have to change due to the seriousness of terrorism. Arabic Numerals are cleverly designed with too many hiding places, such as the holes inside the '8,' the '6' and the '9'-not to mention the slope of the '7' and crevices of the '3' and '5.'" He called upon all Patriotic Americans to phase out these Arabic Numerals by September XI, MMII or be held responsible for aiding and harboring potential terrorist communications. Other critics
of the announcement cited the omission of "0" in Kiss-My-Ashcroft's
plan. The Justice Department responded that domestic surveillance and
management of the "0" has been delegated to the INS and the
Office of Homeland Security. Abby Lynn Bogomolny coordinates the annual People Before Profits Poetry Prize at Burning Bush Publications, www.bbbooks.com. |
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