By Steven Johnson (sjohnson@pcocd2.intel.com)

I am a Volkswagen owner and solomly swear to:

• Make sure that valves are adjusted by myself each and every 3000 miles or 3 months whichever comes first.
• Change the oil, myself, every 3000 miles or every 3 months whichever comes first.
• I will occasionally thumb my nose at the various 'quickie' oil/lube places when I pass them by.
• Never lug or race the engine on uphills or downhills.
• Lay awake at night thinking about what that noise was when I drove home from work today.
• Always include something about VWs in almost every conversation with my SO [Significant Other].
• Take the ribbing, cussing and screaming that my SO gives me for the previously mentioned act.
• For at least 30 minutes a week I will lay on my back underneath my VW talking to it and myself and con- template future maintenance and modification for it.
• Make sure that my greasy garage cloths are kept separate from the rest of the laundary.
• Have at least 3 manuals devoted to my VWs model year.
• Keep my greasy 'mitts' off of my SO's clean towels.
• Be damn sure to wear my 'car working' clothes and not my good ones when I proceed to do any work on my car.
• I will keep a set of 'car working' clothes or coveralls in my VW at all times for emergency repair work.
• I will keep a tube or tub of hand cleaner in my VW at all times.
• That the top ten items on my Christmas/Birthday/Anniversay list are VW related.
• Make sure that any gifts I buy my SO are not VW related.
• At least 3 of my shirts and hats have some kind of VW emblem on them.
• I know all of the VW FLAPS [Friendly Local Auto Parts Store] in town and have memorized all of their phone numbers.
• Own a torque wrench and understand how to use it.
• Keep a record book of my VWs maintenance history.
• Show that record book to everyone that comes over as if were pictures of a brand new baby.
• Explain to my SO that my VW is my baby.
• Learn to recite in your head your VWs entire maintenance schedule so you can do it while brushing your teeth.
• Know that there is no such thing as 'borrowing oil'.
• Know exactly how many miles you have left to drive before you run out of gas.
• Have all the necessary parts and tools ready for when you break down.
• Know all the phone numbers you need to call if you can't fix it.
• Learn how to sleep in my VW.
• Learn how to push my VW.
• Learn how to drive my VW with a broken clutch cable.
• Learn to keep a spare clutch cable in my VW.
• Make sure the top 5 numbers on all my phone lists are VW related.
• My desk at work has VW related items on it.
• Make sure that when anyone at my work has a problem with their VW, I am the first person they call.
• Be the only one to add or take any fluids to or from my VW.
• And finally, understand that I am a VW nut and not everyone can comprehend this... ability... and cannot understand why I eat, drink, breath, stink and sleep Volkswagens. I can only accept that I do and therefore, will act and behave accordingly...

So (please) help me [insert your deity here].

(You may now lower your right hand :)